It's been a while since I've written a blog post. This has been partly down to it being the busy festive season, and partly because it has taken me this long to actually recover from the shameful event that was My Works Christmas Do.
Now, people who know me know I am nothing if not a massive advocate of the festive season. So far you've heard about my adult advent, christmas jumper love and, more recently defending Christmas spirit to a very narrow minded bah humbug! So it will probably come as no surprise to learn that I was a teensy bit excited about my works do this year.
Rather than go through the whole sordid affair in it's shameful entirety, I thought it more practical (and helpful) to put out my words of wisdom and warning to you, my lovely readers, and hope and pray that you take heed of the message:
10 Christmas Don'ts of the works Christmas Do.
1. Don't pre drink before the party even starts. Yes, it is cold outside. Yes, alcohol doubles up as an invisible blanket...but seriously; in the long run it can only do bad things.
2. Don't wear a strapless dress that doesn't quite fit you 'just because it's gorgeous.' I had a cute sparkly number (see below) but by the end of the night it was round my waist (or so I am told - oh the shame).
3. Don't make 'an executive decision' to replace food with table wine. Yes, the bar may be expensive but the food is kinda there to help line your stomach (and yes I know I sound like your mother).
4. Don't sit next to your boss at the dinner table (especially if you've been enjoying a mild flirtation with him the past few months). Your colleagues will only make snide comments the next morning, fuelled by....
5. The fact you start holding hands on the table, and then decide to walk to the bar in this manner also (for the entire workplace to see). Major don't.
6. Don't assume that 'just because you're leaving' it's ok to behave in this way. This is meant to be your swansong...not an apoloclypse of embarrasment. Nobody wants to see you busting a move to One Direction or twerking very badly to Lady Gaga.
7. On that note, don't get over confident about your dancing 'abilities.' I vaguely recall (and of course was reminded) how I continued to buy glasses of wine only to drop them minutes later whilst mid-way through one of my many dance routines. Twerking over smashed glass is not a good look.
8. Don't take advantage of any of the 'novelties' the party may have to offer. My work put on fairground amusements. Once I had got past the point of no return, I (was told I) was 'found' by work colleagues in a dodgem car and, unable to move forward due to wine intake I was spinning in a drunken circle (with a bottle of table wine between my legs and a crushed cigarette behind my ear). Absolutley. Mortifying.
9. Don't become a 3 o clock princess. As the old saying goes: You wouldn't leave the house looking like sh**, so why go home looking like sh**? These words have been haunting me ever since.
10. Don't ask people to help you out with your memory of the night. Ok, so you dialled your ex a few times. Big deal. Don't bother asking him 'exactly what occured' because you'll probably get an exaggerated truth.
Similary, don't have an overtly gay and nosy best friend from work who waits for you to get into the office the next day (only 3 hours late) and pounces on you with a barrage of information to piece together the entire evening in its awfulness. It will quickly transpire that, atcually you were a LOT worse than you thought.
So, by now you will probably have reached your own conclusion that I am a maniac at Christmas. You wouldn't be wrong.
But as shameful as my behaviour was; if it saves just one poor soul from suffering like I have, it will be worth the angst it took to write it!
Merry Christmas Beauts