The unwelcome Ghost of my Christmas past

I’d like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character.  A spattering of good friends and bad experiences in my 29 years has contributed towards that.

But recently, as you may have read; I’ve been less than useless at seeing things for how they actually are.

Case studies to support this:

• Date with a commitment phobic whom I didn’t think was a commitment phobic (!)
• Date with a guy I didn’t realise was a date (Yes. I am that stupid)

And lastly….the following huge human error which I really should have foreseen.

I’m calling it the friend zone trick, and it goes a little something like this:

An old school friend got back in touch a few weeks ago.  He’s back in the area – would I care to meet up for a good ol’ chinwag and a cuppa coffee?

Of course I’m not going to say no.  For 1) I like to think I’m polite in my old age, and 2) He was a good friend once upon a time.  A little school-day-reminiscing-over-coffee as adults is something I love to do (mainly due to my weirdly good memory!).

So I’m sat in Starbucks with my fluffy pink Xmas hat on, being told I look like a ‘nordic Christmas elf’ by a suspicious looking fellow across from me, when he walks in.

To protect his giant ego, I’ll refer to him as Rod  (Rod is a name reminiscent of a pervy guy with a motive, I think.  Apologies to any Rod’s whom may be reading and are perfectly lovely and without agenda).

It all starts off as usual.  “You look nice.  How have you been” etc etc.  I’m not seeing any warning signs as we get re-acquainted after 4 years. 

Then he suddenly gets my back up by uttering my least favourite sentence EVER.  So I’m telling him about my Christmas plans, and how excited I am about the big day, and he leans over, pulls off my lovely warm pink santa hat and goes “Don’t care for Christmas.  I don’t get the big deal.  It’s just another day.”

Appalled and hat-less, I decide that I have had quite enough of bah-humbug men this side of December, and launch into an attack on his hatred of my favourite time of year (bar Summer).

Our argument was along the lines of:

Me: “I love that warm fuzzy feeling I get when I’m walking in the cold and see Christmas lights”

Him: “But why do you celebrate Christmas?  You can get that feeling every day of the year.”

Me: “I know, and I try to create little moments of warm fuzziness every day anyway (he so hasn’t read my blog!) but Christmas is one time of year everyone (well everyone apart from you and the other humbugs I met) universally feel the same way.  People are politer, friends want to catch up for winter drinks” blah blah (I throw out all of my usual examples, but alas, he is having none of it).”

Him: “I bet you have a Christmas jumper to go with that daft hat….”

Me: “Yes, I have two actually and aiming for a 3^rd this weekend.  In fact (just to rile him further) I’m sewing decorations onto my jumper, and bells…lots of bells, so I literally am Christmas!”

Him: (Scoffs) “that’s ridiculous.  You’ll have to send me a picture and give me a good laugh.”

At this point I just gave up.  But the anger that I felt was palpable.   I felt like a crusader of Christmas.  Defending the rights of all the people out there who LOVE Christmas.

Rod, sensing my annoyance, swiftly changes the subject to relationships.  Oh goody, I think.  Something I know nothing about!

It’s at this exact point I start to realise he may have an ulterior motive to this last minute ‘catch up.’

There were signs.  Gaudy flashing red light signs (and not the Christmas light type!).

Signs a guy (well, a guy like Rod) wants to take you out of the friend zone:

1. He tells you he misses the companionship of a relationship AND describes how he’D treat a girl if he was with her (I’m not talking vague conceptual stuff, I’m talking graphic DVD nights, bottles of wine, snuggles- the whole shebang)
2. He says you look really pretty (even though you don’t really, to be honest)
3. He tries to maintain eye contact even when walking away from you (Seriously, this guy had a remarkable knack of turning his neck 180 degrees.  He was like a bloody barn owl).
4. You attempt to leave a myriad of ways and he refutes them all:

“I’ve gotta go, I have some shopping to do.” – Most men would take that hint if it’s said enough times, but not the Rod’s of this world: “Oh, I’ll tag along with you!”  (Even though he was arguing only minutes ago how much he hated shopping!)

5. He tries to tag along with you whilst you dive into Primark.
6. You eventually get rid of him by using the least believable excuse uttered by anyone ever:  “I’m sorry, but I get really nervous when I shop with another person.  I like to just be alone while I browse…helps me keep a clear head with the whole decision making process, otherwise I get buyers remorse.”

Yes…this actually worked!  Maybe he just didn’t understand what I was saying, blowing his brain with basic level marketing speak!

Before I forget, the very last (but most crucial) sign a guy like Rod is interested is thus:

As you watch them walk out (and, weirdly, they watch you; with their boneless neck swivelling round like a horror movie) suddenly everything feels safe again.

You probably relax a little, but no sooner has he left, neck and all, that you reach for your phone to be faced with a ‘goodbye’ text.  (How did he send a text so quickly?  Maybe he wrote it out before you met?!)

And even though you know you gave them 10% at most of your full potential as a human being, they rave about having ‘an amazing time and would love to do it again at the weekend!’

I have only one reply to that:

“If that’s what you a good time, then it’s no wonder you’ve set yourself up for a miserable Christmas!  Yours respectfully – Christmas Crusader.”

Till next time

Scarlett

xoxo

You know you're dating a commitment phobe when....

As you all know, I have been given the gentle nudge into trying to date again.

I'll be honest, the thought didn't exactly thrill me.  I mean, I'm happy as I am.  Don't feel I need another person to 'complete me.'  The term 'other half' makes for cringeworthy images of only being half a person until you meet 'TheOne.'

But, reservations aside; I've been giving it a go (kind of).  And today, I decided to stop.
"Why" you may ask.
Well.   It takes me a lot to like someone.  It's a pretty rare thing for me to actually want to be with someone, or even give it a shot.  But last weekend, I found myself on a date with someone pretty awesome....pretty awesome and also a commitment phobe  (who knew!).  So to ensure none of you lovely #Bbloggers end up (almost) sobbing in front of a guy like some kind of desparado, I've created a unique checklist to spot the traits of the most unfortunate of male types you could deign to date.  This is a pretty raw time to be writing up my latest dating experience but I needed to get it out there and I hope you like it/get it.  ENJOY!

THE COMMITMENT PHOBE

Has a brilliant social life

Is charming, fun and makes you feel the most important person (for a short time at least).

Has been hurt before (hell, haven't we all?!)

Does and says all the right things to put your insecurites to rest: "I don't think I've EVER got on with someone this well - it feels I've known you forever!!" 

Does all the running to get you out on a date:  "...must be keen!"

Makes grand gestures about his feelings for you being 'so unexpected'.....but only when he's had a drink.

Asks you out during date: "I don't want you to date anyone else...can we make it official but take it slow?" which puts you at ease EVEN though you think it's far too soon for a relationship (at least he's not just after one thing, right?)

WRONG: You'll sleep with him because, well, all of the above, and he'll carry on the 'we're in a relationship but taking it slow' pretence well into the next day (and beyond!).

Starts cooling it with you a few days in, yet even though you give him an out of the 'relationship' many times, he maintains his position (nice!).

Hopes you'll respect his honesty when he finally decides to tell you (somewhere public, whilst out with his mates) that actually he just got 'carried away with it all' and actually can't quite see where this is going:  "I'm just not ready for a full blown relationship" is a classic line, but seems a little 'horse, stable, door, bolted' when you've already decided to give it a go (and besides...thought we were taking it slow?!  Doh).

Humiliates you further by telling you that he 'had an awesome night and would love to do it again, and I generally enjoy meeting new people and doing this!"  Um.....what?  Enjoy telling people you don't actually want to be with that you want to be with them?  Or luring people into false sense of security so they give up the goodies?!

Can make even the most toughest of cookies well up with self-pity and humiliation tears after their 'honesty speech.'  (At the point you feel the tears rising, you need to get out of there).

Won't follow you as you leave so don't expect him to (he has his mates and footy on inside, remember).

Tells his mates that he 'had a word with you, and you fled in tears!' (even though, actually, you held it together pretty well!)

Finally:  This person will make you feel more rubbish than any annoying (but nice) hipster or comic nerd; because you let your guard down, and they've reminded you of all the reasons WHY you don't want to be with anyone.  On top of all this, you feel pretty cheap, and thought you were smart enough by now to see through the commitment phobe.

The only advice I have to deal with this guy/girl is to ignore them.  Whilst a blog post or writing in a diary is a great way to vent feelings, it's definitely not worth even acknowledging them or calling them out on their behaviour, because ultimately it actually isn't their fault; they just can't deal with 'labels' (and that's fine, because neither can most of us!).

For now I am having a few days off work, because I have sobbed so much I look chinese, and have a big puffy blowfish face :-/  

For the time being, dating is definitely off the cards for little old me.  Need some Cassie advice, a huge bar of Galaxy and a relaxing facial to get me feeling back to, well, me....

Until next time

Scarlett

xoxox

The Dating Ex-ercise begins

So, I never did find out exactly what I said to my ex in that 'creepy voicemail' as he so tactfully tweeted....but as my mother always says; some things are better not knowing.

Anyway, I've been feeling fragile and a little bit disconnected from my peers lately.  (I'm not a total misery, but my broken phone is making it difficult to be invited to anything!)

Starting to wonder if this has forced me into becoming one of those saddos who just spend their nights on social networks & doesn't have any real conversations??

Hmm...saddo by default.  Not sure I fancy that on my gravestone.

As I am on a mission to get over said ex (and have been rather unsuccessful this past 3 years) I decided to get onto this online dating malarkey.  Shuddering at the thought of yet another Xmas of mother dropping in various men's names, (along with bank balance and attractive capital assets) into EVERY conversation:

"I know he's grey, and his daughter is your age...but he DOES have a boat!"

...whilst over at my fathers for Boxing Day, he repeatedly uses his favourite line to shame me into settling down:

"Nobody wants to marry Marilyn Monroe."

What does that even mean?  I'm sure Marilyn was married?!  

As with creepy voicemail-gate situation, I fear it is better not asking the question (I can only assume father thinks his eldest daughter is into flashing panties over air vents).

Anyhow;  I digress.  So I got persuaded into online dating by a few older and 'wiser' colleagues a few days ago.  I'm nothing if not a massive sceptic and a hopeless romantic; so online dating seemed the most rubbish idea in the world since voting Conservative that year I decided I was a yuppie :-/.

As it turned out, I became wanted property and actually had a healthy pick of some normal looking men.  I've even agreed to go on a date with one who lives not far from me (but not before lots of much needed Google detective work!).

Really REALLY need to speak to Cassie about this MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH in my life......

The only trouble is, my god damn phone keeps cancelling her calls :-(  

Looks like I'll be going for girly advice elsewhere this time, so if you've got any dating tips for an old amateur please let me have em!

Love much

Scarlett xoxo